Life after loss is much more complex than anyone can imagine. There’s learning to live again, learning to be happy, and also accepting the emptiness that will never disappear. There’s acknowledging the loss and then there is accepting it. I’m still learning to acknowledge it, observing life without Bella and imagining how life would be if she were still here.
It’s been 11 months since her transition. Eleven months since I have seen and touched her, or smelled her sweet breath. As time passes, I fear that her memory will fade. So far it has remained strong but will it be this way in a year? A decade? How can I forget my child? But memories DO fade… So I continue to hold on to what I remember in this moment, and I am grateful.
Grief can really bring life into perspective if you allow yourself to be open to it. Most parents appreciate the pleasant moments, such as when your kids are calm and cooperative. For parents of loss, we are grateful for what was. Grief has brought me a new awareness of what IS. Of what life is… And it is beautiful. Life IS BELLA❤️
Living in the present moment has brought me a new found strength I didn’t realize existed. It’s not always easy to do, but the ability to stay grounded is one of the most important things I have learned in the last year. Staying aware and present during traumatic moments can help us get through them. I was able to focus and do what I needed to for Bella in the last moments I had with her rather than panic. Now I am trying to apply this to my everyday life. Presence in life helps bring gratitude. Pay attention because beauty is all around you!
My grief has also helped me put things into perspective in this huge universe. This allows me to see that I’m not alone and that there is a greater purpose to life, death and loss. As Wayne Dyer says, “We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I have been able to separate my spirit self from my human self and understand that it’s the human part of me that is experiencing grief. My spirit self understands that death does not exist because humans are made of energy and energy does not die. Bella isn’t dead and she has proven time and again that she hasn’t left me! My spirit self also understands that our children are not created FOR us. They are not OURS but are separate souls here for their own reasons. Bella has her own mission, completely separate from mine. Part of her life purpose was to teach me many lessons. I know that I was meant to experience grief and she came to teach me about this.
In this moment I am in awe of the words escaping from my fingertips as I type. I had an emotional day because I miss my baby girl and wanted to write about the pain, and this is what is coming to me.
I am awake. My eyes are wide open. I observe. I breathe it in and appreciate it. ALL of it. The experience of it. The human perspective of the experience. I appreciate the pain because it is proof of the love I feel for my baby girl. I appreciate the memories because they are proof of Bella’s life. And I appreciate Bella for waking me up.
The open wound is now covered by a scab. Occasionally the skin stretches which causes the scab to break open and bleed, but the scab is there and the wound is healing. #StayStrong❤️
As I sit in the car, I think. My brain never stops, although more often than not, I try to turn it off. I welcome the thoughts today. It’s a long drive to our 30km destination due to a bit of snow. The 401 is slow moving, so I have a lot of time to think.
Losing Bella has changed me. What most people don’t know is that I’ve experienced many events over the last several years that have all changed me in some way. Bella changed me! She alone has hanged me more than anything. Conceiving her changed my outlook. Birthing her changed my perception of my body. The experience of her colic pushed me to limits I never knew existed and forced me to learn what patience is. Becoming a single mother changed how I handle things and taught me about priorities. Going back to work as a newly single mom taught me that I need to take care of ME before I can take care of anyone else. Bella’s father’s car accident taught me to depend on no one but myself. These are only a few things I’ve learned.
Losing Bella taught me the most. It taught me that no matter how terrible life is, in one split second everything can change for the worse. That no matter how bad things are, the most difficult and challenging times if your life teach you the most. To embrace life as it comes to you because it can all be taken away without notice.
When I look back at the most difficult time in my life (life with Bella), I now see the best days of my life! Bella taught me more in her short 19 months than any other person I’ve ever met. She challenged me and because I loved her unconditionally, I did what was necessary without questioning it. She taught me how to be strong. It’s as though she came to teach me what she needed to in order to prepare me for when she needed to leave me.
I read a quote the other day (of course I can’t find it now) about how no matter how bad a situation is, there is always something good in it; the key is to find the good. I told Tom that I had a hard time believing it. I just realized that it’s true. No matter how bad life is, there really is something good to be found everywhere. Losing Bella has pushed me to be the best person I can be. It has taught me that the spirit world is not separate from this world. We are all connected and never cease to be. She taught me how to be strong, and by leaving me she forced me to demonstrate the strength she instilled in me. This strength can hopefully show others that their challenges aren’t as bad as they seem. If I can be strong, I believe anyone can be!
When life is difficult, remember that everything is temporary. When life is good, remember that it won’t last forever. Good times and bad are only a matter of perspective and you can’t enjoy the positive without knowing the bad. Embrace every moment as it comes and try to see the beauty in every day. And most of all, #StayStong❤️
Happy Thanksgiving! This year I am thankful for my family. I wouldn’t be here without them. Most of all, I am thankful for my guardian angel. She has given me so many gifts, things beyond my wildest dreams. I am blessed to be an angel’s mommy. I am thankful for the 19 months I got to hold her in my arms. I am thankful for the love, the memories, and the hard lessons. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my daughter. Thank you Bella for choosing me and being with me every single moment for the rest of eternity. #StayStrong❤️