It’s a cool December day. I stand on the beach staring at the sun. I feel the warmth of the sunlight on my face. Behind me, the wave is building. It crashes onto the shore. My shadow hides it and I cannot see it, yet I am aware of its existence. I choose to ignore it and focus on the warmth that kisses my face.
The waves become rhythmic and I feel the vibration in my chest. As the vibration gets stronger, it becomes difficult to ignore. A drop of pain escapes from the corner of my eye and rolls down my cheek. I lift my head higher begging the light to erase this pain. But I know the impossibility of this as it engrained in every cell of my body.
Pain is now a part of me. At times it is easily forgotten, yet it is never gone. Nothing can alter this path of heartache. In order to recede it, I know I must feel it, yet I refuse the confrontation. Not today…
I walk away, facing the light. I leave the waves in my shadow.
Avoiding the waves causes them to build stronger. A storm is developing. The longer it goes ignored, the harder the rain will fall. But I simply don’t have the energy to battle this today.
The light brings the illusion of peace. This path is easier to walk. But the darkness will only fade when you shine the light upon it.
* * *
Today I choose to be strong so that I can prepare for Christmas. I’ve postponed it long enough and time is running out. It’s amazing how many ways we can procrastinate when facing something head on is so painful. But I choose to put my son first. I will risk fighting a bigger storm later and do what needs to be done so that I don’t let him down.
No one knows the battle within me; I hide it so well. This mask isn’t meant to be deceiving, it’s meant to protect me. Under the skin of every grieving mother is pain that never goes away. Holidays have a way of making that pain surface. This is our reality.
I knew Bella was with us during our last ultrasound. I was so nervous looking at the screen but Bella’s love surrounded me. I felt her reassuring me that everything would be perfect, just as it was meant to be! When the technician asked if we wanted a boy or a girl, she told us she saw 3 dots. My heart skipped a beat as I was looking for a long “dot” but didn’t see anything. As the words “it’s a girl” crossed her lips, I began to cry. Emotion took over as tears of joy flowed uncontrollably. I explained to the technician that my daughter passed away last year. I may not have been willing to admit my high hopes of “Baby Carl” being a girl, but my emotional response made it clear.
I was still in disbelief as we left the hospital. Minutes later, we saw a huge rainbow in the sky. Bella often sends rainbows, and this was confirmation that she was with us. We kept our excitement hidden for 2 long weeks.
I was disappointed when we got home and did not see any of the photos capturing Baby Carl’s gender on the DVD. I posted a few of the ultrasound photos on Facebook after we made our announcement. Last night, a friend of mine sent me this message:
“Hey Angie – just wanted to tell you how happy I am to hear of your pregnancy 😊 I’ve been following you through your journey and I just want you to know what an absolutely amazing mom you are and how inspired I’ve been by your hardships. I was just looking at your ultrasound pics when a face jumped out at me. Don’t look at the baby – it’s the face behind the baby!”
It took me about 30 seconds to see it, but I couldn’t believe what I was looking at! It’s not just a face, it’s Bella’s face! I immediately put the photos side by side. The shape of her face, her eye, her lips, and even wisps of her hair. WOW!!!!
Bella has taught me to expect miracles. Signs are all around us; we just need to be open to receiving them. We need to open our mind to the possibility of their existence, open our heart and be willing to receive them. We also need to open our eyes and look for them because they exist whether we see them or not.
Bella never ceases to amaze me. Thank you, Bella, for watching over your baby sister. And thank you for this incredible photo of my two baby girls 💕
Click HERE to view a video of the photos on top of each other.