6 Days Old

Baby Aria is anything but ordinary. She is only 6 days old but seems much older than this. There’s something “different” about her. She’s way too aware of her surroundings and you can see that there’s a lot going on in her mind. She’s so interesting to watch and I’m intrigued by her. Yesterday, she was moving her wrist in front of her face and you could see her make the connection that she was moving her own wrist. Newborns don’t smile real smiles but she reacts to your voice with a loving gaze and a smile. She has a calming energy and her presence is soothing. She is pure love. She’s beyond anything I ever imagined! 💕
Click HERE to view the video.

The Calm of Grief: A Moment of Gratitude 

Grief is a continual process. The roller coaster is not one you can disembark. It’s a ride you must learn to adjust to. There are always unexpected turns, bumps that will jolt you, and quick drops that will push your stomach into your throat. There will also be calm moments that allow you to enjoy the scenery, but as any bereaved parent knows, these calm moments are temporary breaks between the chaos and grief inevitably reappears often crashing into you knocking you off your feet.
This is a moment of calm. This is my time to enjoy the blessings in life. 
I am so blessed by this new life I brought into the world. Her scent is sweet and her energy is pure. Aria is a melody of love but her song is not one without pain. Reminders of what is missing will appear every day for the rest of my life. It is this pain, however, that reminds me to be present. It has brought a natural desire to be all I can for this little life that is entirely dependent on me. I am determined to be nothing less.
Her sister shines through her more than I expected. Bella’s presence is strong but has shifted from what it was. I can’t yet describe this shift but it feels different somehow. Memories are painful right now and as much as I fight to remember, I understand the importance of continuing to experience this grief. It is healthy and a fundamental part of the healing process.
Aria can’t take away my pain, but her love fills me up. Our family is complete and I feel as whole as I ever will. Now I force myself to remember through these tears. 
I came across this video today which I had completely forgotten about. A quick snapshot at our happy life. Memories to cherish for all of eternity. A piece of what is missing.
Someday it will be my job to teach Aria all about her big sister. It starts here.
Click HERE to view the video.

Introducing Our Rainbow🌈

Our Rainbow Has Arrived!🌈Introducing Aria Isabella Armstrong 

Born March 25 at 4:21 am 

7 lbs 15 oz, 21″ long

She came during a snow storm and made a quick grand entrance that took us all by surprise. Our hearts are so full of love! ❤️ Baby Aria is doing well but I’m struggling with some complications and am on bed rest. I was planning a more heartfelt post than this to make the announcement but I don’t have the energy for it just yet and wanted to let the world know she arrived. It’s time to take care of me now but I’ll share more when I am able to.

I Remember…

As I lay here, tears roll down my cheeks. I can’t help but think of Bella tonight. My heart aches for her. I remember being 40 weeks pregnant with Bella and feeling exhausted and uncomfortable. I feel that way again, but this time I have the memories of what it was like the last time and can’t help but remember. It is so incredibly painful…
Laying in bed with Hudson tonight, he asked when Baby Carl was going to come. I told him I wasn’t sure, but hope she decides to come soon. We talked about what she will be like. He said he hopes she doesn’t like to eat peanuts and peanut butter. I told him she will only drink milk for the first 6 months. He asked about introducing foods to her and wondered how we got Bella to eat all that. I reminded him how much Bella loved food. She was so easy to feed, not like Hudson was. Then he said he was a bad boy… I said to him “No, hunny, you were a good boy. You have always been a very good boy!” These conversations are so precious.
She would be three years old. I would have bought her a doll, a baby of her own to take care of. She would love to rub and kiss my belly just as much as her brother does. She would love talking to her baby sister and would be so anxious to meet her!
Bella is here with us but I am not able to share this human experience with her. I hold on to to all that I do have and we continue to talk about her every single day. She will always be an important part of our family.
Hudson is very excited to be a big brother again. He has never stopped being one and I remind him of this. He told me he would be very sad is Baby Carl died too. I told him that wasn’t going to happen, then I hugged him and cried. I felt like I was lying to him because now I understand that anything can happen at any time without warning. A six year old shouldn’t have to worry about these things. But he does. And I will always be here to comfort him. I know Bella is comforting him too. 
As we wait for our family to become complete, I hold Bella in my heart and thank her for choosing me to be her mommy. I ask her to let her baby sister know we are ready to meet her. I thank her for continuing to let her light shine on us. 
As I wait, I remind myself to cherish every moment because we don’t get these moments back! 
I close my eyes. As the tears roll down my face, I take a deep breath and fill myself with gratitude.

The Waiting Game…

The last few weeks of pregnancy are always the longest. This can also be the most special time as you prepare for the birth of your baby. It’s an opportunity to pamper yourself and do all you can to keep comfortable. It’s also a time to bond with baby and I have been enjoying watching her move and react to my touch. It’s been incredible!
But waiting isn’t easy. I’m exhausted and uncomfortable. Days are long, but nights are longer. I’m battling insomnia which is affecting my immune system. I’m restless. And itchy! And the only cure is birth.
We have been expecting our rainbow to make her appearance any day for a week, but we continue to wait as patiently as possible. Planning for the big day hasn’t been easy but I managed to get through some pretty heavy obstacles over the last few weeks. The stress was weighing me down. I realize that this isn’t something I can fully plan for as it’s out of our control when she decides to arrive. She will come when she’s ready. I just hope that is soon!
Our lives are about to change forever as we welcome a baby created in pure love. I feel blessed this little soul chose us to love and protect her, and I couldn’t imagine experiencing this journey with anyone else. We are ready!


Signs From Bella

I slept in Hudson’s bed last night and when I got up this morning, this pink balloon was at my feet. The last balloon from Bella’s Birthday/Baby Carl’s gender reveal party (on November 14) popped over a month ago. Hudson was absolutely devastated that the last balloon was gone! I know this was not there last night. It felt like a big Hello from Bella💕👼🏼 and hopefully a message that Baby Carl is on her way soon 😉