A Christmas Promise

I keep telling myself that life is what you make of it and you get to choose how you handle difficult times. It’s not an easy thing to do but taking this type of ownership provides you with power. By leaving your experience up to anything else is to hand over control of it. This Christmas was about taking my own advice.

Dear Bella,

It’s Christmas Day. The second Christmas you spend in Heaven… It has been so hard to prepare for this day as celebrating without you is unimaginable. Christmas has always been my favourite holiday but not having you here leaves us with emptiness where love used to reside.

Except this year was different than I expected. Yesterday, I found love in your brother. I looked for it. We spent time alone. We laughed. We sang silly songs. We acted as we used to when you were here. We talked about you and I secretly thanked God for giving me the gift of our memories. There was some sadness, but gratitude held me up while love and joy filled me.

We went to church and even though the second last time I was there was to celebrate your short life, I purposely remembered happy memories that took place in that space. I remembered both your aunts weddings and I pictured myself walking down the isle with Dream Daddy. A Christmas Eve wedding… Memories not yet created but they brought joy and hope. I focused on your brother; his affection towards me throughout the service kept me grounded. I listened to him sing and held on to every moment. He reminded me that you were there with us; he put his ear to my belly then told me you were singing too. ❤️

Because of your brother, I didn’t let my grief steal Christmas from me. It took effort, but the reward was priceless and now I have new memories to hold on to.

Christmas morning, I was the first one awake and I kept listening for your brothers. When they finally came to get us, I was eager to give them their gifts and excitedly got out of bed. Hudson opened yours; I’m sure you don’t mind. Thank you for sending a helper for Santa this year. It really saved the day! I lost track of how many times he said it was the “best day ever!”

It’s definitely a Christmas I will never forget. Leave it to Dream Daddy to turn it into something else. I had visions of marrying him on Christmas because I was looking to replace the pain of missing you with the love of the most incredible man I have ever met. His love heals me. He didn’t marry me today, but he will marry me someday soon and that promise of forever makes me the luckiest girl in the world. Leave it to you to find someone so wonderful!

I promise to always include you in all that we do. I also promise to not let my pain of missing you take me away from important moments. Thank you for being with us today. That rainbow hello you sent was received and I know you had a part in all the miracles I witnessed today. Thank you for the many gifts you continue to send. Please keep them coming as they remind me to #StayStrong.

Merry Christmas in Heaven, my sweet Angel! I miss you lots and love you more.

Love Mamma ❤️

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