Progress is difficult, but nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. The last 3 weeks have been all about pushing myself and today I am celebrating how far I have come in such a short time.
My last psychiatric appointment did not go as I had anticipated. My doctor was very blunt about my “condition” and stated that I need to go back to work soon. I am not depressed. I don’t have a psychiatric condition. I am suffering from complex grief. He told me that I would have to go back to work in 6-12 weeks.
I left that appointment feeling very angry. How can I go back to work when I can’t even function? How can I even think about work when it’s the furthest thing from my mind? Apparently I needed that push to jump start my recovery.
Recovery, to me, means living! It means enjoying life and doing normal things, including going to work. I’ve been in my safe place since Bella transitioned. I have come to realize that I have stayed in this place out of fear and convenience.
It’s easy to be sad. It’s easy to stay at home, sit on the couch reading books all day and justify it with grief. Realistically, I will be grieving for Bella for the rest of my life. It’s easy to give in to grief and let it take over. What’s not easy is getting up, going out and LIVING again! That’s risky and so scary. But you can LIVE and GRIEVE simultaneously!
Losing Bella has changed me. I have lost a piece of myself and I will never be the same, nor do I want to be the same. This does NOT mean, however, that life will always be difficult. The truth is that I am genuinely happy, but with that comes guilt. I’m working on letting the guilt go because Bella wants me to be happy. She says she feels me when I am happy. Happiness raises your frequency and Bella’s frequency is much higher than any human, so it makes it easier for her to feel my energy when I am happy.
My little monkey has been playing tricks on her momma, but these tricks are also sweet rewards. I found my work keys in her daycare bag (her telling me it’s time to go back to work?), random rocks (always just one and in the strangest places), and my urn necklace went missing the other day and literally minutes after I had finished packing up the last of Bella’s things it mysteriously appeared on my computer desk (which Tom and I both checked 100 times and I was sitting at earlier that morning).
All of Bella’s belongings are in pretty pink bins ready to go up in the attic, where they will stay for now. Her important stuff will stay in the beautiful boxes made by some friendly strangers. This allows me to have her close by so I can enjoy a little piece of Bella any time I want.
I’m officially getting ready to go back to work, and the first thing I needed to do can now be crossed off my list. Yesterday was an amazing day. I was overjoyed to look at every single item that Bella has touched and I feel great knowing exactly where things are. I made a point to focus on happy memories while I went through her things. The most difficult part was starting as it was painful and I ended up having a breakdown, which I celebrated because a few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to cry. I left it alone for a few days, until I was ready.
Life isn’t easy. It’s not meant to be. But it is what you choose to make of it, and I choose to #StayStrong❤️
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” – Harvey MacKay