It’s hard to believe it has already been 3 months, yet so much has happened in such a short time that it feels like an eternity since I last saw my baby girl. The summer came and is now gone. As the leaves are changing colours, I take in the beauty this world has to offer. I take deep breaths and enjoy the scent of the fresh air, the cold damp grass under my feet, and the cool breeze against my skin. Today, I feel grounded.
I haven’t been living in the present. I’ve been living with this fear that if I allow myself to be happy, it will take away from Bella’s importance. I didn’t realize that it’s okay to miss her and still be happy. I need to give myself permission to miss her but not be a wreck over the fact that she’s not physically here anymore. She’s here in a different way. I spoke with her as I put my oils on last night. She made her presence known with a whisper in my ear, and a huge smile came across my face.
She’s been leaving me rocks in random places. As I write this, I am realizing why she is doing this. During my session with Brian the medium, Bella told him that I’m carrying a basket of rocks and she wanted me to give her my heavy basket in exchange for a basket of flowers. She wants me to put my worries into the rocks and give them to her to carry. “I’m strong enough, mommy. I can handle it.” Last night I finally did that. I’ve been putting these rocks aside and last night I held one in my hand and put my sadness into it. I allowed myself to feel the sadness and it took me over; I envisioned my sadness going from my heart to the rock in my hand and I cried. Hard.
I felt better after that cry. Normally when I start to cry, it consumes me and it is very difficult to come back from it.
Today was a new day. Hudson and I played outside. We had fun and truly enjoyed each other. I haven’t laughed so much since Bella left. It was pretty amazing.
#StayStrong❤️ #BePresent #LiveInTheMoment
It’s going to take a lot of hard work in order for me to be happy. Life may not be easy, but it’s not supposed to be. If it were, we wouldn’t learn anything. Bella chose me to be her mom for a reason and now I have to prove to her that I can handle this. I am going to dig myself out if this hole.
The day after Bella died, I almost died too. I went into cardiac arrest. It was a very close call. I had a choice to make, and I chose life. When I was “unconscious” I was actually with Bella. I saw a tunnel and the bright white light. It’s real. Heaven is just beyond that light and I was reaching towards it. I really wanted to be with my baby girl. What she told me was that Hudson needed me more than she did. Because of him, I chose life.
Choosing life, however, differs from choosing to live. I have been existing, but I haven’t been living. I need to start living, for Hudson’s sake. My little boy, my whole world, is the reason I need to live and be happy. I’ve always been able to do anything for my kids, so I need to pull myself together. For Hudson, because he needs me. For Bella, because it’s what she wants me to do.
Bella has been giving me pointers on how I can get back on track. Being outside helps. Grass soothes my soul and keeps me grounded, so today I made an indoor grass mat. Now I can have grass under me every single day. I also need to get back to using my oils more. I’ve been avoiding them. Maybe unconsciously I’ve been staying away from them because I know they help and I wanted to feel depressed.
I was more productive today than I have been in months! It felt great, and I still had energy to take Hudson to the park. This is what living is all about!
Today, I choose to #StayStrong❤️
Today, I choose to LIVE!
Some days are strictly about survival. I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. A couple of weeks ago I allowed some of the pain to escape and I’ve been having a hard time keeping it in ever since. This is why I refuse to talk about certain things. I will openly talk about any other aspect of what I am experiencing, but please don’t ask about my pain.
No one wants to feel pain. We fear it and do everything possible to avoid it. When it’s present, all we can do is deal with it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. One breath at a time…
I was hoping that writing about it would help me feel better, but by allowing some more of the pain to escape, I just made the hole a little bit bigger. I do, however, need to feel this pain. I need to let it out in order to heal.
I’m in survival mode. I do as little as I have to in a day. Hudson is well cared for but I feel a lot of guilt that I haven’t been able to do more fun things with him. I have been trying, but I feel that it’s still not enough.
I remember a time, not so long ago, when my kids were my whole life. Everything I did was for them. We spent all our time together and made a point of doing something fun every single day, even if that was simply dancing in our living room. Now doing these things with Hudson is so hard. It’s a constant reminder that someone is missing. Now it seems that my life revolves around this gaping wound in my chest and trying to cover it up. As with all deep wounds, the blood seeps out faster than I can keep up with so I keep putting on new band aids.
I remember a TV commercial that used say “depression hurts – all over.” This couldn’t be more accurate. Everything hurts. These last couple of weeks have been pretty painful and difficult. I’m already missing out on so much with my angel.
Bella’s friends started dance class. She should be dancing with them. Hudson started dance class too. We were there tonight and the most precious baby girl was asleep in her car seat. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, yet I felt physical pain by just looking at her. Her mom mentioned that she doesn’t sleep well at night. I so badly wanted to tell her that my baby girl was never a good sleeper either, but I dread the reaction I get when people find out my baby girl is now an angel.
At first I was pretty open about talking to people about it but I quickly discovered that people treat you differently after you lose a child so sometimes I choose not to mention it. Many people feel awkward because they don’t know what to say, some people avoid conversation altogether. I’m not sure if not mentioning my angel actually helps because so far it seems to amplify the pain. It’s a losing battle.
After 15 consecutive bad days, I chose to smile and enjoy the rest of the day. And so I did, as much as I could. But now it’s quiet and all I can think about tonight is how much I miss her. It’s getting harder to #StayStrong💔
Dark days. We all have them. It’s how we get through them that matters. These are things we aren’t taught growing up. We do the best we can with what we have, with what we know. The last few weeks have been about survival.
The pain is constant. I feel it cut through my chest like a knife. There are moments where the pain is so intense that I can’t breathe. I welcome the pain even though I fear it because I need to feel it. During the moments I succumb to the pain, I allow it to take me over. I cry, but then I feel like I can’t catch my breath and search for the light. I fear the moment that the screams start. Once I start, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.
My dark days are spent at home. I’ve been isolating myself and only go out when I have to. I’m sitting on the couch a lot. I read and I started playing a few games on my iPad regularly as an escape. I look forward to night time. That’s when Bella comes to me. She has been giving me little bits of information every night.
I’m starting to see what really happened to my daughter. She tells me that the cause of death isn’t important, that it was meant to be this way and there was nothing anyone could do to change the result. She’s also telling me that her death happened the way it did to help teach others about certain things. The world is in the process of a significant shift. People are waking up to what’s really going on around them. Her and my purpose are to help with this shift.
It makes me angry is that I’m the one who is getting these messages. I shouldn’t have to wait until night time to hear from my baby girl. I should be seeing her every morning, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her. I should be playing with her, dancing with her, loving her. I should be living in the chaos of being a single mother with 2 kids, working full time and having no time to even think. Now all I have is time, and all I do is think.
The healing hasn’t started yet and I wonder if it ever will. I am fulfilling my destiny by this experience of loss and I choose to make the most of it. I choose to help others in hopes that I can prevent this from happening to another mother, to another innocent child. In the mean time, I will continue to hope for better days. I will continue to fake being happy for the sake of my son. I will continue to survive.
“It’s easy to feel hopeful on a beautiful day, but there will be dark days ahead of us too. There will be days where you feel alone and that’s when hope is needed most. No matter how buried it gets or how lost you feel, you must promise me that you will hold on to hope.” – The Amazing Spider-Man 2
#StayStrong❤️ #DarkDays #Survival
I hate this feeling I have inside. That’s why i repress it. My days seem dark and all I want to do is sleep. I am so tired. Always tired. And tired of feeling tired. I force myself to get things done but it never fails that my list of things to do grows faster than my ability to accomplish my goals.
It’s been a rough week. So was last week. I feel myself slipping into a depression. Everything is an effort. I have only the best of intentions but seem to be failing more than anything. By allowing myself to fall into that darkness, I feel that I am letting myself down, letting Bella down. I do believe, however, that I need to feel this way. I need to be sad. I am angry that she left. There is pain so deep within me that I am not allowing myself to feel. I’m not sure if it’s because I am trying to stay strong or if it’s because I’m not ready. Most likely it’s because I am so scared to feel this pain as it is too overwhelming that I am fearful of what may happen if I do feel it.
Part of me still feels like this is just a bad dream. Part of me wonders if Bella’s life was the dream.
I am disconnected, but holding on.
I would give anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to go back to the day Bella was born and experience her life over again. Last night I was looking at photos of her first month on this planet, many of which I had never seen. As much as it is a blessing to have these moments captured, it causes me deep pain to look at them.
If I were to go back to November 14, 2012, I would tell myself to enjoy every single moment of my angel’s life. Especially the difficult moments. I would appreciate every single second I had with her, knowing that our time together was limited.
Bella’s birth was beautiful, and she was perfect. She slept most of the first 2 days of her life, while we were in the hospital. The day I brought her home, everything changed. Her first night at home, she woke up every time I’d put her down. After many attempts, I fell asleep in my bed with her in my arms, which is where she slept for the first year. If she wasn’t in my arms, she wouldn’t sleep.
When she was 7 days old, we had her newborn photo shoot. It was a challenge because she was cranky for the first time. Little did I know that “cranky” would be her norm. She cried nonstop for 9 hours a day, every single day. I was in denial about the fact that my baby had colic. I was embarrassed about it and didn’t want anyone to know. I felt like a complete failure as a mother.
We rarely left home. When we did go out, someone would always comment on how cranky my baby was. This made me feel awful and ashamed, and as a result, I refused to wave my home. I didn’t want anyone seeing how my child was “less than perfect.” We also didn’t have many visitors. I am thankful for those few friends who came over despite the chaos and were willing to have conversations over the screaming while watching me pace and bounce my unconsolable baby girl. It was rare that I would ever accept help, likely because of the embarrassment, but offers were always appreciated and will never be forgotten.
I refused to accept that it was “just colic” and that she was perfectly heathy. No baby would cry that much unless something was wrong. It was a symptom of something more, but I never did find out the cause. She screamed all day every day for the first 3.5 months of her life. Those days were by far the most challenging of my entire life. After conquering colic, I can do anything!
If I could go back to the day Bella was born, I would tell myself that I would get through the colic. I would reassure myself that I was doing the best I could, and that I was capable. I would remind myself that I’m human and it is ok to be angry. I would tell myself that this experience would change me and make me strong. I would embrace those difficult moments as challenges are what help us grow, and I am thankful for what it taught me.
I wished time away. For that I will always be regretful. You can’t take moments back once they pass. I will now always embrace life for what it is, good or bad.
Looking back at the photos, there were many happy moments that I was unable to see at the time. It is these happy moments that will be etched in my memory for all of eternity.
After a very rough week, I finally saw some light. This roller coaster is a pretty intense ride. I hate not knowing what to expect from one day to the next. This is the reality of grief. I am thankful that I finally got to feel the pain without losing control. You have to feel pain in order to heal, otherwise you simply repress it and that causes a lot of damage.
I finally made my trip to Sudbury. I had an incredible QHHT session and learned a lot about myself. QHHT is a form of hypnosis, past life regression. It was literally an “out of this world” experience. I definitely chose this life because I wanted to learn as much as possible. I am a starseed and need to go to Peru as it will help me heal. These are things I already knew, but confirmation is invaluable. I would eventually like to become a QHHT practitioner as I am a healer and always have been. Helping others heal is simply what I have always done.
Friday was a great day. I didn’t feel sad at all and didn’t have a worry in the world. It’s the best I’ve felt since Bella left. We came home yesterday and kept seeing rainbows. At first I thought I was hallucinating because the rainbow was so faint, the clouds weren’t dark and there was no rain. The rainbow then intensified! It was huge, very thick and vibrant! We passed it and then we saw another rainbow. When I got home, there was another, then the sky turned pink. It was beautiful! I have never seen as many rainbows as I have this summer. Thank you, Bella❤️
Now I lay in bed with Hudson and Buddy. I had a great time away with my girl brothers but I am thankful to be home with my boys. I’m definitely feeling the love this morning.
#StayStrong❤️ #Starseed⭐️ #Rainbow🌈