Hudson woke up with a fever this morning. He didn’t want to lay in my bed with me but wanted to lay in Bella’s bed instead. He turned on her aquarium and soft music filled the room. He noticed a purple shirt under him and asked if it was Bella’s shit. I said “no, honey, that’s Mommy’s shirt.” He looked disappointed, then said “mommy, I want one of Bella’s shirts so I can hug it because I can’t hug Bella because she’s gone.” 💔 
I cried, and hugged Hudson. Then he asked “mommy, I made you sad?” and he had tears coming down his cheeks. This broke me even more. He truly thought that I was that upset because of him. I explained to him that I was sad because Bella was gone, hugged him, then went into Bella’s room.
I tried to find a shirt but there are so many bins piled on top of one another. The tears were streaming down my face and I felt as though I was suffocating. I tried to focus on finding a shirt but I couldn’t find any so I started taking bins down and finally found some of her pajamas. I took 2 pairs (one for him, one for me) and 2 of her toys (again, one for him and one for me), left the mess and hurried back to my boy.
He stayed in her bed for quite a while, and I laid in my bed and let myself feel. I cried and for once I didn’t hold back. 
I feel the walls starting to come down around me. I’m still fighting it but I’m definitely starting to feel the pain. It started last night. I walked into my room and went to give Buddy (my dog) a kiss goodnight and he was laying by Bella’s crib. I looked up and peered through the bars and could visualize her sleeping on her belly. Her hair was messy and slightly damp from sweat. Her back was slowly rising and falling. Then she was gone and I felt nothing but pain. I have a gaping wound where my heart used to be. 
Life is unfair. No one should ever have to feel pain this deep. 


#StayStrong❤️ #ImTiredOfBeingStrong💔

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