July 31, 2014

Yesterday was a busy one. My parents and my girl brothers (my sisters and niece) went to Timmins to get our Bella tattoos. I must have the most loving and supportive family in existence and I’m still blown away that both my parents now have tattoos.

After our new ink, we went out for lunch. I can’t remember the last time we were all in the same vehicle, let alone out at a restaurant together. It was a very special day.

We all spent the night at mom and dads again. I love our night time conversations and right now I’m waiting for everyone to wake up so we can have our coffee together. It makes me wonder how much different life could be if we went back to living together with extended family and could do this every day. Family is by far the most important thing in my life and I’m so grateful that I have the best of the best!

I’m going to be taking a break from posting for a while. There are things I need to focus on, so I’m going to take the time now to do that. When the time is right, I’ll be back. I’ll keep everyone posted on how I’m doing, but don’t expect to hear from me everyday… Just for now. In the mean time, know that I am surrounded by love and support.

#StayStrong

July 29, 2014

Reality is now starting to sink in and my strength is bending ever so slightly. This is a positive thing as I am tired of not feeling the pain. Most people ask for drugs when coping with a tragedy yet I’m asking them to take me off the drugs and let me feel the pain. I’m ready for it. I’m strong enough now that I can handle it.

These last few days have been more difficult for me but I’m still not able to cry. I feel sad, but that’s as far as it goes. A huge part of me died and I’m frustrated that I can’t cry. As much as people say to give myself time, I believe how I am feeling is not part of the natural process. I feel that I am overmedicated because some people thought I tried to commit suicide, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Not only do I want to live, I want to HEAL and I want to be HAPPY because that’s what Bella would want and it’s also what Hudson needs. In order to get there, I need to FEEL instead of keeping this band-aid on the wound. It’s time to rip that band-aid off and let myself bleed so that a scab can form and recovery can officially begin.

My heart is shattered and it will never be the same, but I am confident that it will heal. I will have a million scars where it’s broken, but those scars will be beautiful reminders of how Bella touched my life. She has forever changed me and I’m so blessed that I got to know heaven’s most beautiful angel. She was a gift sent here for me. She changed me. There is no going back to how things were before I met her. I would never want it to. But it’s time to plan my recovery so I can find my new normal.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott

It’s time I learn how to dance again. #StayStrong

July 28, 2014

I can’t believe it’s been a month already, yet part of me feels like more time has passed. I miss her so much. Her crib is still how she left it, other than Hudson crawling in to get her Cinderella stuffy. The rest of her things are all in the spare bedroom, which is now her room. Her photos are on display and I often go in just to look at her sweet face. Her dirty laundry is still sitting in the hamper, which I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wash.

Hudson and I slept at home last night, finally. He crawled into bed with me early this morning. There was someone missing though. Hudson must have read my mind because just as I though it, he said “I miss Bella.” We talked about her for a while then Hudson asked me to stop because talking about her makes him sad. I told him it’s ok to talk about her and it’s ok to be sad. I think it’s finally starting to sink in for us both that she isn’t coming back.

Hudson has always been an affectionate and loving child, but it’s currently to the extreme. He tells me at least 20 times an hour (often that many times in 5 minutes) that he loves me, and he needs to be beside me or on top of me most of the time. He seems to think it’s his job to protect me, which saddens me that a 5 year old feels that way. He’s afraid that I will die too. I think this is normal considering what he’s been through, but it’s still not something a parent can easily accept. His job is to be a carefree child, not to worry about his mother.

Not much has changed in a month. It’s as though my life is on hold, standing still.

I look at her pictures every day. I am so afraid of forgetting her face, her smell, her voice. Mornings are the most difficult because that was my favourite time with her. I woke up with her beside me every single day for 19.5 months. I miss rolling over and kissing her, then either playing in bed with her and Hudson for a while or having my coffee in peace while waiting for her to wake up. She would always wrap her arms around me as soon as she saw me, give me a huge hug, and would only let go when I sat down. I would hold her standing for as long as possible, to savour the moment.

Today is a special day in heaven as it is Granny’s 96th birthday. I’m sure her, Bella and Grampa are celebrating together. I can just imagine the awesome dance party going on up there. She may have been gone from us for a month, but she’s been with Granny and Grampa for a month, and this helps comfort me as I know she is well cared for. Happy Birthday Granny. Be sure to dance with my baby girl today.

#StayStrong

July 26, 2014

I’m always the last one to bed and the first one up. My family have been staying close. Hudson and I are back to staying at my parents place since we got back from our trip, in the bed Bella was in when she left this world. It makes me feel closer to her. My sister came to spend the night with us again last night.

I am so fortunate to have such an amazing family. I used to think what we have is the norm but now I see that it’s actually very rare.

My parents are very loving and have always been supportive of me. My oldest sister, Lori, has always been my idol. She is 12 years older and was always more of a second mother to me than a sister. Dina, the middle sister, and I didn’t get along too well growing up but it was typical sibling rivalry. Her opinion of me has always mattered more than she knew. Things have changed as we have grown and we have a new level of closeness that only comes with maturity.

Lori’s daughter, Bailey, is 12 years younger than me and is more like a sister than a niece. She was my doula at Bella’s birth and she has been most helpful with the things that need to get done since Bella’s departure. The 3 of us and Hudson spent a few days together this past week and it was more like 4 sisters.

I always knew I was blessed to grow up with my grandparents living so close. My Granny lived in the downstairs apartment of my parents house (where I have now been for 7 years) and my Nonna and Nonno lived a few houses from us, where Nonna still is. Bella was so fortunate to have been so close to her Nonna Bis. They say each other every day and had such a special bond.

Granny and Nonno are now with Bella. When she has come through with messages, Bella mentions my Grampa the most, whom I sadly never had the opportunity to meet. It sounds like her and Grampa have a close relationship now and he was the one to carry her over to the other side, although my entire family was there to welcome her. He also helps her look pretty by putting bows in her hair, which it’s clear she is very proud of.

I don’t know where I would be right now without my family. They have been the ones keeping me strong, mostly because I see that they need me to be. I’m the glue right now and as long as I hold things together, we will be ok. When I had my breakdown, I saw what it did to them, so I have no choice but to #StayStrong for them.

Yesterday, I met with two professionals, one who is making sure I am well enough to care for my son, and one who is helping me cope. In discussion with them, I realized that as long as my family needs me to be strong, I don’t think I’ll be able to let go and allow myself to feel the pain of losing Bella. I think I need to get away from here, away from my family, away from the obligation to stay strong for everyone else so I can be a mess and not feel guilty for it or worry how my pain with affect anyone else. I realize that my strength is coming from them but it’s also preventing my ability to fully grieve. And that’s ok. When the time is right and they don’t need me to be so strong, then I will finally be able to let go.

“Family is not an important thing, it is everything!” – Unknown

July 25, 2014

I lay here as I contemplate… Does it really matter what took my daughter from me? Knowing what happened won’t bring her back. I’m starting to think I would rather not know. How can all signs point towards this being her fate?

I saw a psychic who told me she never tells anyone this but it was Bella’s fate, she was meant to die. Brian (the medium) said that Bella already had a close call and she could have left us then. Bella was almost in a car accident and there is no way she would have survived. I thought she escaped death that day.

Brian also said this was Bella’s fate and had this incident that took her not have happened, there would have been another in a month or two. I also had another medium contact me with a message from Bella telling me that her contract on this earth was short and she chose me to be her mother because I’m an evolved soul and could handle her departure.

Then there was the voice I heard as I was on the floor performing CPR on my baby girl, the voice that told me that “it’s ok, it’s meant to be this way.” But how can it be a toddler’s fate to leave this world so soon?

I know this much: there is more to life than humans are able to comprehend, there are reasons why we choose to live, and life doesn’t end once our physical body dies. Death of the body is not death of the soul because they are separate. We are made of energy and energy doesn’t die. So where do we go when our body dies? Bella is still here with me and hasn’t left my side. She’s in another dimension so I can’t see her, but I can feel her constantly.

Brian said she’s very affectionate and is constantly giving me hugs and kisses, and I honestly feel them. They feel warm and tingly, and make me feel complete happiness and bring me comfort. I am torn between having a deeper understanding of life and death and wanting to grieve the loss of my baby girl.

“Understand that your soul is not bound by three-dimentional earthly existence.” – Unknown

#StayStrong

July 22, 2014

Today was a better day. Bella has been sending me (as well as others) many signs that she’s still with us. Rainbows in living rooms, wind chimes when there is no wind, plants blossoming after years of no flowers, and a few lucky people have even been visited.

During my session with Brian (the medium), he mentioned marks on my skin that were only on one side of my body. These marks appeared on my skin the day after my “breakdown.” That was more than 3 weeks ago. They are definitely not bruises or rash of any sort, which is what I first assumed. Today I noticed that they are getting darker. I’ve been in the sun, so maybe as my skin is getting darker, the marks are darkening too. Something tells me that’s not it though.

According to Brian (from Bella), the marks are a result of the trauma I suffered and will eventually disappear. He said that she wanted me to know it was her. I’m unclear if he meant she caused the marks or if she was mentioning them as a way for me to know he was really communicating with her. There is no way Brian would have known about these marks.

Although she said they will eventually go away, I’m not sure I want them to as they remind me of her. Proof, in a way, that she’s still with me.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories of signs from Bella. Please keep them coming.

#StayStrong #ProjectLife #SignsFromAbove #AngelsAreReal

July 21, 2014

I don’t want to move today. I’m laying by the pool at my sister’s house and all I can think about is grass. I want to go somewhere else to be by myself and lay in grass. Somewhere quiet. By myself.

It’s not a good day. I have anxiety and feel guilt. We had a fabulous day yesterday. We sat and talked about Bella and I felt normal, just for a little while. And I feel guilty today that I felt normal, even if it was just for a little while.

I’m back to feeling a numbing pain throughout my entire body. It envelops me and I want nothing more than to let it take me away. And the guilt has returned, but today it’s because I’m here visiting family yet I just want to be alone.

My grief comes in waves. I have good days and bad ones, but I’ve come to realize that I try to sort my emotions into boxes and leave it there until I have the time and ability to sort through the mess and feel the pain. I leave it for days I am alone.
I do this as an effort to be the best mother I can be to Hudson. But on days like this, I don’t want to open a box and sort through, I would rather jump into the box and hide there. It’s days like this that I feel I won’t come back from, but the wave will rise, then fall. And it will crash, but it’s those hard crashes I fear the most. So I don’t let the crash come. Instead, the wave will recede once more and I pick myself up, dry myself off, put the box back on the shelf and leave it there until I feel I have the time to sort through it.

I think my family worries because I refuse to deal with these feelings on the days I feel them. They tell me I need to verbalize my needs and allow myself to feel the pain when it comes. But it’s not convenient today. So I will repress it and save it for a better day. Maybe.

#StayStrong